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In the Degobar System
Wednesday, June 21, 2000
10:15 pm
Special Report by:
Al Pococo
Minister of Defenistration
In 1848, a young Lt. Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson stood 200 feet in front of a battery of Mexican cannon firing canister shot directly at him. He had three horses shot out from beneath him as he directed his men in pointing and firing a single six pound field cannon, taking out each Mexican cannon in turn. Jackson was never hit, and later he came to believe that God Hisownself would never allow enemy fire to reach him.
Compared to the nine men in yellow of Bricker's B-Squad Wednesday night, Thomas Jackson had all the confidence of a quivering five-year-old girl, wetting herself at the sound of a closing door.
It was a massacre. Three men in the outfield, five men on the infield and Big Pappa D'Tale hurling the heat, just the way it was meant to be. Wells Fargo SI brought everything they had, played 10, 11, 12 men in the field, and the Dagomen of the B-Squad took every shot and answered with a resounding "No Sale, banker pukes!"
On offense, the Dagomen were stunning, only taking five outs in the first three innings, six-running Wells Fargo's opening pitcher Roland Gift. Gift (formerly lead singer of the legendary urban pop hit machine Fine Young Cannibals), who lasted just three innings, made it interesting for the Dagomen by often getting his pitches within three feet of the plate. But whenever that happened, it was "bye, bye Mr. Spalding" with line drive after line drive moving the B-Squaders forward, filling the frame of the game.
Not that there wasn't good camaraderie between the Dagomen and the Vile Bankers of Wells Fargo. Toward the middle of the top of the first inning, TBone, batting fifth, joined with the Wells Fargo catcher in holding the hand of the oldest known umpire, helping him to understand that, because they were still in the top of the first inning, Wells Fargo had not scored any runs, as they had not yet been up to bat.
On defense, the B-Squaders shone with the light of a thousand suns. With just three men to cover that big, nasty outfield, not a single fly ball was covered by fewer than two men. With Black standing solitary guard over right, and the Anderson brothers playing their now familiar game of "It's mine!" "Fuck you, it's mine!" on high speed intercept courses, Wells Fargo soon realized their only hope was the one-hop grounder.
And in their entire, collective lives, they have never been more wrong. Their infield attempts ran into the juggernaut of Keekley to Burrell to Zin. With Buggs at the hot corner and Wein as a sort of Black Knight of Death at the plate, shouting in a voice to frighten the heavens, "None Shall Pass."
Failing at this, their last gasp was to make Douggie pitch to them. Wait for the walk. Wrong again. LaPoint was the picture of perfect control, racking up a devastating string of K's.
Dang.
The game was over in five innings. Old Blue mumbled something that the B-Squad took to mean that the game was over due to the mathematical impossibility of Wells Fargo's situation. It was Dago time, and never before more richly deserved.
Back at Dusty's, Bartender Jen (retired) greeted us with her beautiful boyfriend John, and we were joined by Lori "Dagogirl" Keekley and that one woman who read at their wedding. Together, the game was replayed in the reflection of tall, cold pitchers of Grain Belt, and platter after platter of hot, steaming Dagos.
Most Blamed Player(s)
The Bricker and Paul "Palmettos" Meadows for skipping the game in favor of hanging out at Paul's house to catch re-runs of the UPN techno-drama series "Seven Days." Meadows was heard to comment, "You know they are canceling it. We may never get to find out if Parker will get together with the beautiful and brilliant scientist, Olga Vukavitch."
Most Valuable Player(s)
The Nine Dagomen of Bricker's B-Squad. Wein for his commanding presence behind the plate, Buggs for his power at the Bat, Keith for the competitive fire, Zin for the Love, TBone for his perfect managerial record, Burrell for denying the 2 Bag to his vile former coworkers, Black for Being Right Field, Keeks for sitting on 2nd (physically) whenever it appeared someone may try to pass, and D'Tale for hummin' em in there.
Yeah, boys.